To Fall Or Not To Fall
by ThisIsJayKay
Summary: And in that fragment of a moment, when epiphanies seem temporarily at bay, the world is rent apart: you feel your consciousness flying through the air, and all you can do is hold as tightly as possible to that thin stick of reality that is your one and only consolation ...


**Author's Note:** _As always, the usual note about the fact that I take great care to use British spelling, grammar and punctuation as much as I can with one exception, and that's how I spell "okay". I used to stick to "OK" but the American version looks nicer to me._

_If you're one of my old readers, read my profile. It'll explain why I'm not replying to most of my PMs, reviews, etc right now. Just had a bit of miraculous spare time so I came up with this. It's only two chapters. The summary will make sense in Chapter Two. The reference is, of course, intentional._

* * *

Fall, your heart says. Fall, Lily, because you're going to end up plummeting anyway.

But your mind is screaming no. Because you _can't_. It's not because he's James and you're Lily and he used to annoy you because _you don't even care about that anymore_—it's because if you haven't imagined those little signs he shoots your way, then he still fancies you and what if you end up with him? You can't endanger him. You're not blind to the prejudice that surrounds you—why else would you be fighting against it? You're not blind, and you know he's already in trouble because he and his family are considered blood traitors. If you're seen with him, he'll fall into a deeper mess.

If you end up with him, you're giving the dark side an even bigger license to kill him.

You might have managed to convince yourself you're not in love with him or you might not have. You might've taken the selfish path and confessed everything to him. You might have held in your emotions.

You'll never really know because of that one fateful Hogsmeade trip.

One moment you're enjoying an afternoon out with Dorcas and Marlene and the next you're dueling three Death Eaters at once.

Before you know it, Benjy's aimed one, then two, then three Stunners at them: they fall to the ground like pins.

"Thanks!" you shout. He gives you a thumbs-up and a weak grin, then catches sight of Mary half-sitting, half-lying against the wall of a nearby shop. You watch with bated breath as he dashes in his girlfriend's direction and bends over her—fortunately she's breathing and seems to be suffering only from weakness.

Jets of light blind your vision from time to time; there are cries and exclamations all around; people run around, dragging motionless bodies out of the way, hitting the Death Eaters with spells, screaming for friends, praying for answers. The place reeks with the strong stench of smoke and blood. You notice with relief that the number of hooded men is decreasing—if you can call them men: you distinctly remember seeing a masked boy who looked to be about sixteen fleeing the scene some fifteen minutes ago.

You support yourself against a wall, panting and looking around frantically before placing your friends and companions one by one: Marlene and Frank are taking down a Death Eater, Alice sneaks behind a group of them and, with a single wave of her hand and a carefully calculated spell, takes them out in one go, while Remus and Peter round up Sirius and Dorcas—

No. _No_.

You swear.

"James!"

There's no answer, but you tell yourself that's because there's so much noise. It _can't_ be anything else.

"_James!_"

"Lily!"

You can't turn around. That voice ... it _has_ to be James. Never mind that it doesn't sound like him—you'd take _anything_ over the possibility of no James right now.

"Lily!" The voice is right behind you this time, and as you turn around slowly, you shut your eyes and clench your fists and let the dull pain flit across you.

"Sirius."

"Lil—Lily—" He bends over, as if in pain. Your heart, already beating fast from the adrenaline of battle, now starts performing a series of anatomically impossible jumps. Sirius's next few words are so low, so coated with controlled terror that an icy chill runs through your heart.

"I can't find him anywhere."


End file.
